Well then Jumping Back In-

So a friend of mine pointed out a blog to me you can find it here - http://gracecomesbyhearing.blogspot.com/

I don't even know where to begin with this one! I simply can not understand people like this.

I spent a good deal of time reading last night and this morning, and honestly she even takes on the Bible and it's view of adoption. How about Jesus? Was he adopted? No he wasn't, he had a step father though! Moses? Well yes, he did take his adopted mother with him when he left Egypt, but who nursed him as an infant? Who watched over him for almost his whole life? Even if he didn't know the truth until adulthood? Late discovery adoptee anyone?

I just want to be sick when I read this sort of thing. My version of God does not place babies in one womans womb, only to then decide OOPS! I made a mistake, it's really this woman who should be raising this child! God (The Gods) does (do) not make mistakes. It was men and women who made the laws that allow adoption to continue as it does.

Ask me if I am anti-adoption, well yes, I am. Ask me if I want adoption as it stands abolished? Well yes, I do. Enough of the lies and coercion that have gone on for decades now.

Open adoption is a joke, another falsity for those hapless women who fall prey to agencies/lawyers/paps without scruples. Especially for those who happen to live in a state where it is not enforcable. Which mind you, is pretty much every state in the union. Last time I checked there were only two states where Open Adoption is enforcable by state law.

Most everyone on the other side of my fence wants to believe that adoption is all so very wonderful- Guess what? It isn't! It never has been, and it never will be!

Daily I am faced with reminders of what adoption has done to my life. Daily *sighs* It smacks me in the face when I least expect it.

For instance today- I made a comment about something my daughter posted and got a response I didn't expect. But if forcibly reminded me, that I am not allowed to inter-act with her in the same way I do with my other children. It made me sad, and I had to fight back the tears, and swallow it, and sent a message apologizing for making her uncomfortable. Why did I feel the need to do so? Well that answer is pretty simple, I didn't raise her, I wasn't there, and as much as I want to be involved in her life, it is not the same. It never can be-

Why? Oh wait, I know the answer to that, Adoption, yep, there it is again smacking me in the face... The "gift" that keeps right on giving, pain, anguish, flashbacks, depression, did I leave anything out? Oh wai,t heart ache and grief, let's not forget those things.

It's not bad enough I lost my mother 6 months ago on the 4th- (my daughter's birthday by the way)I get publicly chastised for commenting, and it wasn't a mean or nasty comment, it was just a way of saying, hey I understand what you mean. When does it stop? Does it ever stop? I have had enough, and more than enough this last two years.

I took care of my mother for a long time, in the end it was heartbreaking to see the woman I idolized my entire life, in a hospital bed fighting for every breath, and knowing the last thing she spoke to pop's was "I want to go see Jesus" It was hard enough to sit with my sister in mom's room and hear her ask the RN if my mom's drips were maxed out, and looking at her when the RN said no, and nodding my head. Knowing that turning them up would end my mother's pain and her life. She fought hard my mama, and her heart was so strong.. She was brilliant, had her Master's Degree in Nursing and worked hard her whole life to make sure we had what we needed. She never got to enjoy being retired, she never got spend the time with pop's that she earned. And we didn't get to have one last Christmas with her.

So yes, it is painful for me to read the "Happy Happy Joy Joy" adoption crap that abounds on the net, when I know just unhappy it is for so many of us. How it has affected or whole lives and the lives of our families. For you see, adoption doesn't just make a new family. It destroys another, my mother who should have been able to enjoy a relationship with all of my children died without knowing my oldest child very well at all. My father? He didn't even get to meet her, he died almost a year to the day she found me. Pops?(my stepdad) He was just angry about all of it, he doesn't get it, that he is what many of us call collateral damage- He just knows about all the tears I have cried, and hates that I still hurt after all this time.

Then I read blogs like the above mentioned and I want to just smash something. I mean I really want to break things. Instead I write, or I cook, or any other number of things to stop myself from getting that angry again.

I know many good adoptive parents, am lucky to call some of them friends. I wish there were more like Third Mom, of my friend Charles- I wish more people could understand that there are two sides to this thing called adoption. That while it is wonderful for some (Especially those who make the $$$$) it is not so wonderful for many of us.

I counted the things I keep getting above, let me also add the loss. The loss of all the time I should have had, the time her father should have had with her. The time her siblings should have had, her Grandparents, her aunt's and uncles and cousins- her entire extended family. The loss of a life in which I could be involved, and not feel guilty for wanting that involvement. I hate that I feel I have to apologize because I feel as if I am intruding- that I am somewhere I am not wanted, or at least somewhere I should be seen, but not heard.

Can I just be done with it all now? Please? I don't want to feel these things anymore. I have already lost too much to waste time picking the scabs off my wounds. I don't want to waste time trying to explain over and over all the things I think are wrong with adoption, why the b-words make me sick to my stomach. I am tired of so much and yet, here I am again. Blogging again, bleeding the pain away again- I am pretty sure all of this has happened before, and I am also equally sure, all of this will happen again~

Now if only some will read with open minds and open hearts- then maybe, just maybe, I won't have to let my bleeding spill over into my writing~