The Price of Doing The Right Thing..

So, I know I have been very lax for a very long time. Todays thought? The price of doing the "right thing."All the voices say, "If you love your baby you will..." I loved my baby. All the voices say "Your baby will have two parents, a good home, and all that you can not provide" My baby had those things. The voice in my head screamed "You are wrong" it still screams that, although with less intensity after starting therapy again. The voice in my head was right, it was the wrong thing for both of us.

So what was the price of doing the right thing for me? Twenty one years of heartache, loss and grief. That is just for starters. The loss of my motherhood, that was the first price I paid. The loss of my self respect, that was second. (I mean really what kind of mother was I right?) The loss of so many things I can not even begin to tell you what they all are and continue to be. This begs the question "Did I gain anything?" My answer is an resounding no, if you mean anything positive. A resounding yes if you mean anything negative.

What I do know now, is that at reunion I have gained back that which I thought lost forever. My child.. My wonderful, funny, squishy nosed daughter. Who's voice is a balm to my soul, and who chose to share with me her tears and her laughter. She didn't have to, but she did. I am eternally grateful to whatever gods there are that my child is who and what she is. She heals me without even knowing she is doing it. She makes me want to be a better person, a person she can be proud of. A person her siblings can be proud of. I don't always get things exactly right, but you know what? That makes me human, and I like being human. Because for a very long time I was this numbed creature who had no clue who or what she was. All I knew was pain. I still know the pain, but after having my other children I started to learn about the joy. With the return of my other child my joy knows no limits, has no boundaries and I want the entire world to know what I know. The price I paid was too hight, much too high. The price any mother in my position is much too high. Things need to change. I think I know what I am going to be when I grow up too now. Maybe I can help a mother like me before she becomes more like me.

Somedays I wonder..

Why do the men who father our children all seem to lie at some point? Whether it is during our relationship, or after they lie. Sometimes it is years later that the lies come, but usually it is a combination of both. I mean really what is the motivation for lying years and years later? It bothers me to no end some nights.

Lies told to the self in order to absolve themselves of their guilt? Or lies told to others to keep some things secret? Does it really matter? I suppose to me it does and does not. I know the truth so why should it bother me? Why because other people are involved, and hurt by those same self serving lies. Yes self serving, told in order to protect a new realtionship or told to protect the image the person have of themselves. Lies are something that can take on a life of their own, they can come back to haunt you years after you tell them. I learned a long time ago, lies always make things worse than they ever had to be. So many lies I actually had to look at them in writing to go, nope not true to each one I read.

Lie: I had a friend tell her I was in jail so she wouldn't try to contact me anymore, I was sick of being asked for money.

Truth: I told him I was pregnant, he said "Ok, we'll get married but first I want a blood test" I never talked to him again, or saw him again. I talked to him once she was almost old enough to start looking but up until she found me that was the one and only contact between us since the night I told him I was pregnant. The next time we spoke was two days after she found me. So twice I spoke to him in 22 years. (well almost 22 years a little shy of that cos pregnanct only lasts 40 weeks)

Lie: Her mother sent her to her dads in Illinois, so she would be able to get more child support out of me.

Truth: I told my mother I was pregnant in the middle of Mall while we were Christmas shopping three weeks before she was born. I lived at home the entire pregnancy.


And that is only two of the lies I know about. Is it any wonder that I wonder? I don't really care anymore what he tells himself or tells others. I know the truth, and that is what matters. But, I also think he owes the truth to at the very least one other person, and perhaps to two. I think perhaps he tells himself these things so he can sleep at night, so that he can justify his actions to himself and perhaps to one other person. It makes me sad, it truly does, he deserves to know and remember the whole truth. Even if it makes him feel like he did something bad, he should know and remember it and he should also remember that the time we lived in was as much at fault as he was.

NCFA Protest

Go here for details. The National Council for Adoption is an evil organization, that engourages coercive tactics in adoption, as well as discouraging young women to parent. It is funded by taxpayer dollars.

http://ncfaprotest.eventbrite.com