My Story-it's not glorious, or wonderful but it is my story~

It is hard to begin, that is what I think everytime I start to write all of this down. But here I am, and this time I mean to tell it all and be done with it~

I met my daughters father when I was 16, he was very tall, dark good looks, and I found him slightly dangerous. (I liked bad boys even then) When I fell for him, I fell hard, the way most young women fall in love for the first time. He was the center of my life for a very long time. Like all young women I was naive', even foolish thinking that we would always be together. Much later I found out he was playing me, had other girlfriends, it was heartbreaking. When you are that young it seems like the end of the world when a relationship ends.

As it happened it was not really the end, we got back together when I was 20 and in college for the first time. I don't know why I thought it would be any different, that the things that had happened were in the past, but I did. Nothing was the same between us, except for the passion. I found out I was pregnant in March of 1983- I think I even remember the night I got pregnant. The moon was full, and it shone in the window that night. I was terrified, I didn't know what to do, or if I should tell him. In the end, I called him and begged him to come to me. We sat in a small park behind my subdivision, and I remember crying as I told him. He was as scared as I was, at least I think he was. He said that we would get married, but first he wanted a blood test. I agreed to that, and went home thinking everything was going to be ok. It wasn't, not by any stretch of the imagination. I never heard from him again. No phone call, no showing up to help me tell my parents, nothing except a deafening silence. My heart was shattered, and no one knew it. I have always been very good at putting on that "Happy face" I saved my money and saw a doctor on my own. An abortion at that time was not an option, not for me. So I hid my body, and my belly from everyone. I remember a woman at work asking me if I was pregnant, and lying to her about it. I wish I hadn't, I really wish I hadn't. I often think maybe she could have helped me, and what happened to me in the end, would not have happened.

I went about my life, hugging my secret to myself, using a rubber band to hold my pants up, wearing clothing that hid everything. Finally in December I went Christmas shopping with my mother, (I was 8 and half months along by then) and she wanted me to try on this gorgeous red jacket. I wouldn't, and she kept after me and after me, until finally when we were in the food court, I told her. She burst into tears, and asked me what I wanted to do. The word adoption crossed my lips for the very first time- and now in retrospect, I realize that my mother never really wanted me to do that, but only followed up on what I had said. She said to me she wasn't wild about giving up her first grandchild that night. Then we went and bought some maternity clothes. I did not have any, I was seeing a dr, and taking care of myself, but I didn't spend money on clothes. That would have given me away you see~

It was then that I heard of Easter House for the first time- an agency run by the infamous Seymour Kurtz (now out of business thank the gods!) My case worker was MG. and my age. I saw their doctor one time, and the next time I saw MG was at the hopsital when I gave birth to my daughter Jean Louise. It wasn't very long, January 4th 1984. My whole world changed that day. My case worker came to the hospital and in the end I kicked her out of my room, I didn't want her smug face around me, I wanted my mother. And so that is what I had. Mom was in the room with me when Jean was born, and I truly believe the treatment I got at the hospital was much better than what most women in my place got. The nurses were very good to me, and did not withhold my daughter from me, at least not once I made it clear that I was having none of that. My mom was a nurse too you see and called the nurses station and made it clear what we would tolerate as a family and what we would not.

I had changed my mind, I wanted to keep my daughter, take her home and love her, and raise her, but the woman from Easter House used the following things to ensure I signed their damn surrender paper. (I don't even have a copy of it) She told me if I changed my mind that Easter House would sue my parents, put my child in foster care until all the bills were paid, at which point they would take me to court and prove me an unfit mother (as if being single is all it took to make me unfit!) and I would never get her back. I was only 21, very young and scared, I wasn't just scared, I was terrified. What would my parents do if they were sued? So like many women before be, I surrendered, I signed that piece of paper, and I have regretted it to this very day. I left my daughter at the hospital in the care of complete strangers, who had no connection to her, no reason to love her, and while I know she was safe, and cared for. It breaks my heart to imagine her cries when I didn't go to her when she needed me. It tears me apart inside still..

I lived a lie for 21 years, tried to pretend I had never had a child, or that she had died. But how do you mourn a child who is not dead? I knew she was out there somewhere, and I cried everyday for more than a year. I still cry, even though she found me almost five years ago. My life was turned upside down with one phone call. I don't think I have ever cried like that before. All I could do when I knew she had found me was wail "Is it my daughter?" My friend Suz can attest to that, she was on the receiving end of that cry.

When my daughter was 15, I had just gotten my first computer, dial up- deadly slow, but at that time? State of the art! I found a search engine and looked for adoption. What I found was the website adoption.com (Evil website! EVIL!) they had a registry. I have gotten five pictures of my daughter once she was gone, I found her name on one of them. (There was an ink spot on this picture, I freaked out and rubbed it off, only to realize that it was there to hide her name.) Between the name on the picture and the information I had, I filled out the form not realizing I had transposed two letters in her name. I had set my profile to get emails from the website, but had not gotten anything except spam, so when I did get a real email from daughter I deleted it. Her friend Suz, then took over, sent me two emails- one letting me know there was a support site available for EH moms, and the next one telling me she thought she knew where my daughter was. I knew in less than 48 hours that she did indeed know where my daughter was. I will forever be thankful to her, she is an angel sent to earth, I truly believe this. Without her, and her support I don't know where I would be now. When she found me, I was a wreck, a complete wreck. Suz helped me through it, as did our little on-line family. I love each and every one of them. (Ya'all know who you are! So pat yourselves on the back mkay?) That was five years ago this coming April. Life has been interesting ever since then. Always new, somedays hard, but always I keep in my mind that I was close to being emotionally dead back then. I have come a very long way since then. With the help of a good therapist, good friends and a wonderful support network.(That story is another note entirely, and someday I may write it)


Now? I have come out of my closet, I refuse to pretend that I am not her mother, I always have been, and always will be. No piece of paper will ever change that. Amended birth certificates are nothing but a legalized lie. Our reunion has been full of twists and turns and ups and downs. I can not have back the years I lost with her, nothing can replace those. What I can have is a relationship with her, based on love, and I hope mutual respect. I adore my daughter, and I am so proud of the woman she is. No our relationship is not perfect, but we work on it, we work hard as a matter of fact. And someday I hope to be able to say-Yes I am healed~ Not that I will ever be entirely healed, but I know I can come close~

Feel free to ask me questions, I will answer them for you~

Part two to follow~