So on Monday evening I went to dinner with my cousin Mike and his wife Annie.
Now you have to understand that when I was a kid I idolized my cousin, he and his brothers did really cool things for us (my siblings and I) when we were little. He came to visit us one Christmas along with his brothers and they made us this really cool playhouse out of a box. Bright yellow and with a door and widow in it. Big ole dasies painted on it, and we watched some of the Apollo missions together too.
Dinner was all about catching up and reaching out to some of the only family I have left on my mom's side of the equation. We went to Carraba's and the food as always was divine- the company was grand and we sort of celebrated my oldest boys 21st birthday. Gods how time flies!
Anyway, talk of course turned to my mother. It seems like yesterday she was teaching me how to cook, and all sorts of other things, and then it hit me like a whirlwind. Grief right there smack in the middle of dinner and I am crying, softly, tears rolling down my cheeks. Mike reached our and rubbed my arm to comfort me. Then I realize it wasn't just the grief over losing my mom, it was also the grief over losing my daughter that had me crying.
January has always been a hard month for me, but this year on my daughters birthday, it was also the 6 month anniversary of my mother's death. I couldn't put my finger on it that day- but later when I thought about it I knew why I was so sad. Knowing where J is, having a relationship with her has made it bearable. This year? Not so much- losing my own mother made realize just how truly horrible it has to have been for her. All those years she didn't know who I was, where I was. If I loved her or not, if I wanted her or not. If I really wanted to put her down- (or later when she started learning, if like so many others I was forced/coerced into signing that piece of paper.)
So where does this mess of emotion leave me right now? I know I need to get out of the funk I have been in. Losing my mom was so very hard for me. My daughter and I had some problems when I was taking care of her, because she didn't understand all the why's of me being the one to do that job. She didn't get that just up and moving my mom back to Wisconsin was like trying to move a mountain, or that changing her health insurance took much more time than I had expected it to. We didn't talk for months really. Not really until the day my mom died. It was then it hit me, now I know what she feels/felt like over losing me.
It's that thought that has been keeping me awake at night. I imagine her as an infant crying for me and me nowhere to be found. Inconsolable as I have been over losing my mom. I know it just takes time, and that eventually I will heal. But is my daughter ever going to heal?
It keeps me awake at night~
3 comments:
Mary, since I too live in Wisconsin, I get it about moving people around. I watch my husband, slowly, or rapidly depending on how you look at it, dying. There is nothing I can do. My daughter, while not completely shutting me out is doing denial.
Will she ever be able to get through all this? I don't know.
Lori- I did the same with my mom. Whatever it was, it just raced through her. Somedays it seemed as if it was forever, others flew bye.
I wish I could help you, I truly do. If it helps J, did manage and so did I to some extent. But nothing anyone say's or does can change any of what any of go through during this sort of thing. Just know I am thinking of all you- and as I said on FB call me if you need an outside ear- I have big shoulders and I listen~
Mary, Jan. is also a very hard month for me. It is the anniversary of my mother's death. It is a reminder that I will never feel her touch, the smell of her skin, the sound of her voice, and have the answers that I so need. It is a constant reminder of all the was taken from me. I grew and was alive in her womb as a part of her soul. And with her death, a part of my soul died with her. I love an dmiss you mommy.
Post a Comment