Fairness.... and the Best Interest of the Child (?)

So, I sit here today thinking about that phrase. "In the best interest of the child". What exactly does that mean? Does that mean really that hiding a childs roots is in their best interest? Is hiding their medical record in their best interest? Is trying to tell your child to stop looking, or to stop speaking once they have found, in their best interest? I say an un qualified no. NO, NO, and NO! Once you are found your whole life changes, or once you find. NOTHING is the same anymore. You can't hide from the pain of what happened in your past. You can't pretend anymore that it didn't happen, that everything is just all wonderful and rosey and FINE( well it is fine if you mean Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotionally unstable) Because it isn't fine, it isn't ok. It bring back so many things.

For instance, how I got morphine when I was in labor (even tho in the 80's that really wasn't done for fear of hurting the baby) of for instance, the look on my mom's face when she saw K for the first time.

Or for instance, how I kicked that smug faced bitch out of my room and asked for my mother to sit with me instead. (As it should be right?) I didn't see her again til I had to sign.. And even then I hated the way she looked at me..

The last year has been a huge eye opener for me. I get it finally, I do need help dealing with all of this. I am getting it. You would think that if I , a stubborn dyed in the wool republican can understand that therapy is healing (even when you have done it before you still need it again for shit like this) that others would understand it. Therapy is good, it is hard work, but it is good for you. You look at you from someone else's pov. See yourself in another mirror so to speak, and figure out that yeah, you have ISSUES (again sigh) that trying to deal alone is not so good. No says that anyone else has to deal with their stuff this way, but you know what is the harm in trying to deal with your issues in therapy? (Note I am not saying that others need or have to do it, but that it can be helpful even if you think you don't need it)

Over all the years and all the bullshit I have been through, all the therapy I did for all of that, I still need an outsider to help me understand and deal with this adoption stuff. Reality is never what it seems and hindsight is always 20/20 I know that. I get that. But you know when it is all happening, you don't see anything but what they put in front of you. All those pretty lies, about how it is win/win for everyone involved. Because as far as I can see the only ones who really got the prize are the adoptive parents. Yes, our children may have had good homes, nice things etc, but hey they also got, trauma, pain, and all sorts of other things to go along with all of the so called "good things" I personally, well suffice it to say, I didn't win the Kewpie Doll at the fair either. Pain, torment, anguish, despair, horrible self guilt, and denial of my own pain are but a few things I did win. Lovely little list isn't it?

Now a year has come and gone and my child is like a piece in a game. (Not my game I assure you) Told that she shouldn't do this or that, think this or that, be here or there, among probably myriad other things. I don't know much more than that little bit, nor do I ask. It is not my place, nor my right to know those things. What worries me is this, pain, a child of mine is in pain, for reasons that I cannot comprehend. Pain that is being inflicted on her. I hate this with a passion. I think to myself. IN the best interest of the child? How is what you are doing in this "child's" (adult mind you, not really a child at all) best interest? Why not act like an adult? Do some work and figure out what it is exactly that bothers you so much that this has to go on? Some reading maybe, or at least a little research into what reunion is all about. For all parties involved. I am not staking a claim to my child's success's, her successes are her own. I don't claim to be responsible for anything except her genetics, and some of her traits. She has half my DNA so yeah I get credit for that. Why am I such a threat? I get credit for having given birth to her, I get credit for her green eyes too. (Mine are green) Do I Get credit for her upbringing? Nope, nor do I get credit for doing what parents do when a child is growing up. How could I? I wasn't there, it wasn't me spending the money or going to the Dr etc. But yeah I get credit for some of who and what she is simply because of genetics. And if you don't like it, to friggin bad. I do get credit for some things, you may hate it but I do.

Well now that I got that off my chest.. Off to work I go.. more management stuff to learn. (Yep got promoted yay go me)

Stuff and other stuff...

So, I am not going to remove my blog, just so you all know that. I am however going to be mindful of what I say here. I don't want my words misinterpretated again as they have been before. I will say this tho', I am glad there are no more secrets. I hate them, they are always found out and they tend to bite you in the ass once they come out. So enough said about that.

I usually write adoption stuff here, today I am going to be short and sweet. (well ok, maybe not shortr sweet)The last two weeks have been both heaven and hell for me. My Grandma and Aunt were killed in an accident invovling a semi on the way to my Uncle's funeral luncheon. I got home on Sunday, all was fine, except that mom called to tell me the Uncle George(Pops sister My Aunt Iva Jane's, husband) had passed. It was expected so I wasn't very surprised. However on Wednesday morning my sister in law Kay called me to tell me about Grandma and Aunt Shirley. (This was May 31) On Friday my brother Mike and I drove to Hannibal, Missouri for the funeral. It was pretty awful. I have seen Pops cry before, but this was different. It was like when I lost my Dad(pops is my step father) I recall all out wailing and screaming when I got the phone call. It was a very long weekend. I loved my Grandma, I loved her alot. Not related by blood but still she was my Grandma. Still my family, still our family. I have to say I don't know many people my age who still have any living grandparents. So in a large way I was very lucky. Up until the year 2001, I had three who were still here. Anyway on I go.While there I had time to think, and had time for lots of lectures from all of my family. Suffice it to say, I found a new therapist and will be seeing her today for the first time. I knew I needed it for quite some time, but let myself get fooled into thinking I would be ok without it. I think that things are going to be ok now. I did the soul searching I needed to do, it started at graduation and ended in the Dr's office on Monday. I know now that just because I have done therapy before doesn't mean I can do it on my own now. So, I am taking control of it now. The pain has to stop, I have to deal better than I have been or the stress may do more damage to me than can be repaired. I have lost about 20 lbs in the last two weeks, partially due to the stress yes, but also because I realized, I have to take care of me, because if I don't I can't take care of my family, and they still need me to do that. So yeah, you are all still stuck with me for a good long while yet!

But I will add this here. Some of the things I say here some people won't like. I don't want to cause pain to anyone, but I also don't want to have to parse my words for fear of being misinterpreted(did I spell that right?) yet again. Those of you that know me, know I also have a Live Journal. What I don't want out here in the public domain, because I think it will hurt or damage someone will be found there. The foucus of this blog is adoption. It is mostly anti-adoption. If you are offeneded by what I say feel free to comment, hold a reasonable debate or say nothing. I don't mind those things. All I ask if for you to please be courteous and for no flaming here. This is not what this place is for. IF you want that got find somewhere else to read.

Laugh A Lot, It's Good For You~
Mary~