Putting her down- another part of my story~

So that day came- when I had to leave my daughter at the hospital. I had spent three days with her, being mom. Holding her, feeding her, changing diapers, and looking at every single part of her, memorizing her. Her smell, her face, her fingers and toes, the little chubby legs and arms of her tiny body. I spent a lot of time crying too. Thinking of how much I didn't want to leave her there alone among strangers.

But, but,- the woman from EH came to me when I told them I had changed my mind and told me these things, they would sue my parents, they would put her in foster care until all the bills were paid, then because she was in foster care they would prove me unfit (because of course I had abandoned her) and I would never get her back anyway. So I gave up, I surrrendered, I signed their damn piece of paper, and un-mothered myself. That day my mom and pop's both asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this,. I was terrified of telling them no, not knowing then that no one could have stopped us leaving with my daughter. I could have mothered my child. I have three raised children, and I think I am a good mother. They all are good students, good kids-

The Nursing Supervisor back then Jeanette Kenobe seemed to understand my pain, she was very good to me, and was very supportive. She gave me the best advice on that day, she told me to whisper in my daughters ear everything I wanted her to know, she also told me not to let anyone take her back to the nusery, that I should do that myself. So that's what I did.

My entire family was there that day, Mom, Pop's, Julie girl, George, andGrandma and Grandpa W, My Aunt Katie and Uncle Ted. We spent hours together as a family relishing this new life in our family, making her ours forever. She was ours, she always was despite me having to put her down after those few short hours . Everyone held her, loved her, kissed her. My Uncle nummed her ears, this is the act of putting your mouth next to a baby's ears and going numnumnum- it was adorable. I wish I had, had a picture of that. Sadly there are only a very few pictures of that day, which my daughter has copies of.

Then it was time, as I wheeled her back to the nursery, the tears flowing and landing on her small cheek as I whispered into her small shell shaped ear, I thought I was going to die. My heart breaking into a million pieces, I told her how much I had loved her father, and how he broke my heart when he left, I told her how I didn't want to do this thing, how much I loved her, how much I hoped her new mom and dad would love her as much as we all did, but mostly that I hoped they would loved her so much that the thought of losing her would make their hearts hurt as much as mine hurt at losing her in fact.

As I walked away, I don't remember how I did it without falling down and dying, how I managed to get back to my room and family. They all looked at me their faces full of so much love, Aunt Katie said "Kiddo lets go eat and talk" I numbly nodded yes, and we left. We went to some nameless diner and I remember eating a grilled cheese and tomato soup and drinking a coke. Then I went to my grams and gramps house. It had been decided I needed time away from home to recover myself. Which indeed I did. That recovery has taken 25 years. The immediate pain took over a year.

My daughter once asked me how could you "put me down" the only answer I have is this; It was fear, those people used the worst form of coercion on me. Scared me so much, terrorized me when I was at my weakest. My body was full of raging hormones being post partum, and not myself how could I have done anything else but what I did? I gave in, I surrendered. I did not "make an adoption plan" or make "an informed choice" I was bullied, terrorized and scared into signing over my rights.

By writing this, I am trying to make clear to others that this happens still in this country, every single day, to young pregnant women, who are preyed upon by prospective adoptive parents, agencies, attornies who work for the pap's and agencies. The lawyers who work for those pap's and agenceis purportedly also work form the mothers, but in the end they do not. It is not in their best interests to actually represent the truth of adoption to these young women. If they actually did that, the babies available for adoption would go away. Another point I want to address is open adoption, this is lie, it is only legally enforacble in two states. I have a friend who adopted and is an open adoption, his agency told him once everything was done that he did not have to honor any of the promises he and his wife made. He was horrified, and he and his wife do honor their promises. He also learned not to use the word birthmother. I am proud to call him friend, and am proud to say he says I am FINE- because I challenge him on his beliefs constantly and make him think, and on occasion have made him change those beliefs. This makes me very happy and gives me much hope for the future.