"Memory... is an internal rumor" - George Santayana
So think about that quote- kind of strange to think of memory that way is it not?
I believe our memories are both subjective and objective. (in time at least) But memory is not static, it's a living thing. It breathes, it cries out to be heard, it breaks our hearts, and uplifts us as well.
Since my reunion, I have regained (recovered?) memories that at times I wish would have remained buried in my subconscious. They are painful, dreadful, horrific, and yet some of them, are lovely, sweet and I play those out in my mind over and over.
I remember counting toes, and fingers, and looking at this child in her alltogether to memorize every thing about her. Stroking her hair, holding her on my lap facing me and just staring, and talking to her for hours. I remember sleeping with her in my arms... I remember the way she smelled, soft and sweet and beautiful. I don't remember her crying at all- I remember the way her little eyes gazed into mine, as if she too knew that she needed to memorize my face. Such a serious little face she had. I remember the way her hair laid against her scalp, so dark and unlike my own-
Those are the memories that I think of the most often, not the hard ones, not the ones that make me weep even now 26 years later. Those that come to me in the night as I sleep, and start awake with my heart in my throat and tears on my cheeks. Those memories haunt my dreams- and yet... I need them, they are part and parcel of who I am now. They helped create the me that is writing this- the me, who is determined to try and change things-the me who wants to help children who have been traumatized by adoption, the un-wanted, given back, broken children- the ones no wants (or so they believe) The me who wants to help mothers like myself- the broken, traumatized, unwanted mothers-that no wants to think about, that most have no interst in helping-
So memory is both the bane of my existence and the spur that keeps me moving down my path. I will have what I want, I will have it-even if it takes the rest of my life to get it~
4 comments:
Mary, as I wrote to Mei-Ling in her heart felt blog entry regarding how she feels dismissed by the dominant culture.....Join me, join us.
If we speak in one voice. If we tell the same story. If we join in one group. Maybe, just maybe, those that you want so desperately to help, and those to come, may reap the benefit of our One Voice.
Maybe it will stop the insanity.
If only we adoptess could remember the first moments, hours, days, with our mothers. Some say we actually do. It is just lost in the memory bank of the mind. And maybe that is what we adoptees are trying to do that is the part of the driving force to search and reunite with our beloved mothers. We want to remember and reconnect with those first moments of our birth. Maybe somewhere in our soul, we want to say, "I remember you too."
Lori- I have been talking about One Voice for such a long time- it is exactly what we need--
Because we both know the insanity does have to stop!
Bobby- I wish more than anything you could have that- I believe the memories are there for you. But you can't access them. Our brains sadly are not like a computer where you can just pull up the data you wish to remember-
I love you ((((((((((Bobby)))))))))
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