Without which not~
So what does that mean to us? The mother's of loss, the mother's of exile? How does it inform us/or inform others about us.
Without which not- think about that, I mean really think about it. Would any of us be here without what happened to us? Our experiences, our reunions, or lack thereof- about the craziness that our lives become?
Then again, without what happened to me, would I be the same person, yes I know I would still be me, but would my life be very different? Would my course have been easier, harder? I don't know, all I can say is, I know it would have been different.
Just as I know my daughter's life would have been different- not better, not worse, just different.
I think often of her father and the things he must tell himself to justify in his own mind what he did, or failed to do. I think out of everything I have learned over the last almost 6 years, this bothers me the most. (Well that, and some people who think I am crazy and insane, which btw I am not)On many levels I can understand why he would need to do this, I get it, I really do. I grok it- what I can't understand, is why he must continue to do this. I know men are different, they think differently, perhaps it's a matter of his own emotional survival. Because really, if he told himself the truth wouldn't be telling himself he abandoned me, and our daughter? (And he did) That is a hard thing to think about yourself, and I should know, I have felt that too. As in "How could you do that to her? You just left her?" thoughts- I wonder if he ever has those fleeting thoughts, the what if's- if he ever thinks about Sine Qua Non -Without Which Not- If he ever regrets just leaving us, and not trying to fight for my daughter. I know he has had a basically good life, has a wife he loves completely, and is content.
But...
I still wonder what would have happened- and I think often about Sine Qua Non- Without Which Not-
For want of a nail yes?
4 comments:
Mary, I often think of that....I know that my daughter's life would have been better, simply because of the horribe adoptors she got. That and I planned her. But maybe not so material in better. I have never been one to save or whatever, at least not until recently. Which may have made it worse, I don't know.
I have a double whammy. The loss of my daughter, which created the loss of my first love, her father. Then, after all these years, I find that he died less than 3 years later - killed by a woman no less.
Now, on top of all that, losing my spouse.
Sometimes we all think sine qua non - but the truth is, what is, is. Time does not loop and fix the problems, simply continues forward. String theory barred of course.
I only know that my daughter was loved from the beginning and that would never and has never changed, even though she was never with me to know it. Would it have changed her? I dont know.
Good thinking material.
Yes, what is, is- and some days it makes me batshit crazy, others well, you know- it's just life.
I am so sorry for all of your losses, and please know I am thinking of you dear~ (((Lori)))
Such good thoughts Mary, as always. Thoughts that leave me chewing over things in my life as it is now. My my first daughter will be 18 in exactly four months. My second daughter is due to be born in exactly 3 months.
Having both dates so close together makes me wonder - what if? I know I would have been a successful single mother to my first daughter because I parented my son on my own for six years. But if I hadn't lost my first daughter, would I have the same compassion and tenderness that I do for other natural mothers and adoptees? Would I be able to see the flaws and cracks in the LDS adoption system as clearly as I do? Or would I still be one of the sheeple, never even thinking about women like me? Like my daughter? Like you, like your daughter? One of the ones who blithely lets Mother's Day wash over them, never paying much mind to the private suffering of women who have lost children to death or adoption and those women who are unable to have children.
Trying to sort through all of this adoption muck when 6 months pregnant and trying to prep for comps feels...overwhelming.
But I love reading the stuff you write - you always provide such excellent touchstones and that is very, very helpful to this mama.
M.
(((((Melynda))))) I am glad if my words help- I am working on something new- just for you and Lori~
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