So, the last couple of days have been pretty hard on a mom friend of mine. She is losing her husband to cancer, and dealing with has got to be one of the hardest things in the world. I know I lost my mom, not so long ago, not the same as a spouse of course, but watching my pop's grieve? Yeah I get it-
So suddenly there are all these negative comments being posted to her blog- by some very angry, very ugly adoptees- Don't people think? EVER?
If you are a mom, then you have no dignity- if you are a mom, you spread your legs, you made your choice, you signed the papers- and on and on and on.
When does this end for us? Does it ever end? If you are so angry about your problems then why take it out on those of us trying to figure out how to heal, to make things better, to actually live our lives without the turmoil, and pain?
I am so sick inside when I read some of those if-then lines these days. Do not any of you ever stop to consider that we moms have feelings too? We hurt, we bleed, we cry, we love, we live, we lose those we love, and stil we are supposed to give all to our children regardless of how invasive it is, how our children (adults!) want to know all the nitty gritty details of our lives, Guess what? Some of it is private- and some of it no one knows but us. And, guess what else? We want to keep it that way. Call it unfair, call it wrong, but every person deserves to be able to keep some things to themselves. I have never denied my daughter any information (just for the record) there are things we have not talked about yet, but that is because it's hard to talk about some things on the phone or in an email. Face to face works so much better- body language and tone of voice convey so much more than mere words on the phone or a sheet of "paper."
I feel as if these days I must defend every mother out there- it's like a wave crashing over us- so much anger and hate and pain, and yes, rage..
Guess what? We feel those things too- and just like you, we have to deal with it. Sadly, from what I have seen and read in the last 72 hours or so, alot of you need to do a lot of work and learn that if you are this angry and hurt, then you need help~
10 comments:
Mary, thank you.
More than Welcome- ((((((((Lori))))))))))
I don't understand this whole thing at all. I know something, but not the whole story of what you are talking about.
I do want to say, I don't understand the whole, you don't get to know everything down to the nitty gritty. Is someone saying this because I am not aware of it. In my own personal experience, I was told so much both my natural parents that I need brain bleach.
You know I could have so lived without my father's assessment of my mother's tits. Thanks Dad!
I don't understand this rancor and it is sad to me, I saw some angry things posted by mothers and adoptees. That is always a shame.
Joy, some mom's are not like that- although I suppose I have said a few things my daughter didn't need to hear. But sometimes our adult children ask questions that really are very invasive, and frankly they are things that are none of their business.
I don't get the rancor either, it hurts me as a mother to see it, it hurts me even more when one of my friends is the target of it-
I have seen so much of this recently snd it breaks my heart. The attacks (on both sides) are exactly what the adoption industry wants. They kick back in their comfy chairs and laugh while we tear each other apart. That leaves them free to continue to steal babies to sell. Creating a whole new generation to suffer and fight.
This adoptees vs moms, bse moms vs new moms, closed adoptees vs open adoptees ect has to stop. I wish we could all just approach each other with empathy. Mothers have feelings just like adoptees. They are complex and sometimes make little sense to those that have not lived it.(just like adoptees)Moms need some measure of privacy and our children need information. With love and respect both ways we can find a balance. Nothing is going to change until we can find a way to work together.
now my disclaimer. I know there are some truly terrible moms out there. I have run into a couple. There are some truly terrible adoptees out their too that I have run into. If they were terrible to begin with or just so damaged by adoption is not for me to judge. We can not let these people stand in the way of us fighting for change.
Lori, I am sorry you are dealing with this when you need love and compassion so much
Joy, yikes I'm sorry you got so many details. Would be nice if our brains had a delete button. The daughter in me can only say ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Thanks Aislin, I am okay though, I heard this all so many years ago. My natural parents did not have the edit button with me that they do with their raised kids.
It makes me have more empathy for my mother for SURE.
One of the things I think is, for a lot of us, mothers or adoptees, it is all so traumatic, and then on top of it we live in a culture, outside of the internet adoption support groups where adoption is celebrated and like a big happy joke in t.v. shows and whatnot, so we are getting hit with little triggers all the time, then somebody says something, and honestly I am not sure what this particular something was, that triggers all the ignored pain when we hope for understanding that we do lash out at each other.
Which for all the reasons Aislin stated hurt us all more than help us. I do get upset, I got upset today when I saw some barfy comments, not to do with this post, but some celebrating adoption type natural mothers.
I just clicked away from them, but I understand feeling angry, at not even my mom, but just some incredibly insensitive, although I am sure not intended to be comments.
Most adoptees I know are really searching for information about themselves and the biggest complaint I hear is, "she won't tell me who my father is" my mom was never like that. She gave me lots of information without me having to ask. To me that is fundamental not nitty-gritty, so I am still missing the reference, things about my mother's pregnancy that would effect me, I am interested in.
I am interested in my mother and am glad that I know in because I am very connected to her. We sometimes get very at odds with each other and that is painful, but anyway I love her and part of knowing her is about knowing myself, we share eons of ancestors after all.
I am curious about what the nitty-gritty means, still, like a concrete example, of course you don't have to tell me.
The other thing is, I hope I don't sound all annoying and preachy here, but one thing that has really helped me deal with conflict is trying to respond to what I think someone's motivation is rather than their actual words. Like a good friend of mine recently lost his cool and said, "F*ck YOU Joy!" to me, and it didn't even phase me, because I know he was really angry in the moment you know? That is all that he was trying to express, his feeling of frustration and helplessness.
I cannot always do that, I am a hot-head myself at times, but when I can, it helps.
It did feel like a hit to me when Lori said she would not support adoptee rights because she thinks xyz about adoptees now. Which is her right of course, but I hope that it is a fleeting expression of frustration and not a deep-seated feeling.
I am sorry for all of us that are separated by adoption and on top of that loss have to climb out from the many layers of shame and oppression that is par for the course. It is so hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
As for adoptees "needing help" I totally agree. We need our mother's help, both collectively and personally.
It is very difficult, we were raised on a lot of misinformation that doesn't dissipate easily.
People fight, people say stupid things all the time, people reconcile too. Not all the time, but the best times. I really hope that mothers like yourselves, who have spoken up for adoptees and a different way of doing things can still support us, as we learn to be more understanding and respectful ourselves.
Having natural mother friends, and some of my best on-line friends are mothers has been a great benefit to me.
Sorry for the novel, LOL!
Joy you are very articulate- I loved reading what you wrote- please keep commenting an leaving your "novels"
And there are times I would like to bleach my brain as well- some things a mom just does not need to know!
Joy, it was not a hit on you when I said I won't support adoptees rights. I have always supported their rights.
I will not march or otherwise sign any more petitions though.
Think of it from my point of view - for months and months and months I have been pushing for moms (all the different eras and types) and adoptees to stand together. We would be a loud voice.
Then out of the blue, when I need hate and ignorance the least, I was hammered first on FB - because I do not believe anyone's rights are more important than anothers, no matter what the issue (adoption, legal matters of other sorts, etc.) - then when I stopped arguing because I realized it was like talking to the walls, the same people went to my blog - my space - my place to say what I want to say. To learn and grow and be.
This went on for the better part of three days.
Look - my husband is in our living room in a bed dying. Do I need to hear what whores and useless human beings first mothers are? Not really.
I have always looked forward to learning from adoptees and other mothers. It has helped me through some very tough stuff with my own child.
But now, I don't even want to deal with it. I have had others jump me. Usually I blow them off. Anger gets us nowhere. But then it got personal - aimed directly at me.
Who learns or grows from that?
I also don't support mothers that think they have the right to be nasty to their kids. I will never sign anything that has to do with sealing records - never have and never will. I will never allow another to be sucked into that pit.
I don't believe in extremes - that is what tears apart the world.
ty you Mary, you are so sweet.
@ Lori, I took it as a hit as an adoptee, I tend to identify with adoptees first.
But I didn't take it too personally, I think you are going through a hell of a lot right now, and I am sorry for that. I think perhaps it is not something you need to worry about atm.
I think you have been through a hell of a lot in your life, and I am also sorry for that.
When my son was two, I felt very helpless, I even started to think of relinquishment. I went to the state shrink and asked for help and told them that I didn't feel I could "do this"
I swear the woman in my intake must have been an adoptee or natural mom because she told me the most important thing I could do was to keep doing it. Very firmly, I cried to my best friend and she said, "you don't think about it, you just do it" and I did.
It makes me shudder to think of what would have happened to our lives if I had run into adoption vultures. We were so vulnerable.
We lucked out.
I hate what adoption has done to my life, but I would go through it 10 times over to not lose my child.
To not only have to deal with my loss, but my child's.
Personally, I think that you will be in our corner for adoptee rights, but maybe today is not your day.
Today is your day for seeking all the comfort you can while you go through this trial, taking care of yourself.
My a**vice to you Lori would be stay where you get comfort, stay where you feel loved and supported. Everything else can wait.
You are just as important and deserving of care as we all are.
Joy
Good points Joy- and your friend was right. You don't think about it, you just do it-
The last two years taking care of my mother, and taking care of my raised chidlren as basically a single parent proved that to me. Along with my brothers and sisters marvelling that I could take care of mom all alone- *sighs* None of us need the garnbage in our lives that's for sure~
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