I bought the movie Walk The Line last week. It made me cry, mostly because it reminded me of my father. My father got to meet Mr. Cash when I was just a little girl. He always loved the mans music, and me well, to that little girl I was Dadddy reminded me of Johnny Cash. HE ws like him in alot of ways. ( Not the drugs, or the things he did exactly, but the way he loved June Carter. My dad loved my mom like that. He would have come home in a heartbeat if mom had just crooked her finger. He loved her like that) I think what hurt the most about being reminded of him was the fact that he will never get to know my daughter Kristen. He won't get to see her get married, or to see great grand children. ( any of them )
So as I watched the movie and thought about my dad ( and hell sang along to most of the songs too, I am an invenerate singer of songs. My kids always tell me to shut up lol ) and cried, I also thought of how I didn't tell my father I was pregnant with K. I thought of how foolish it was on my part. I didn't realize then what I realize now. He would have been right to put a stop to what I was doing. That was the big reason I didn't tell him about it. How fucked up is that? I htought I knew so much back then. I didn't know the horror of what I was doing. Yes horror, you read that right. I think all the time about this. I worry this puzzle like a dog worries a bone. I look at it from all sides and still can not for the life of me understand why I didn't tell my father. Really, it hurts my heart now to think I did this stupid thing. This big secret I had to hide from everyone.
I now know I had no choice in this. NO matter what I had said or done, it still would have happened to us. Once you talk to a lawyer or an agency it is all over. Game over, case closed, zip up your fly over. Once they get their hooks into you, it is a done deal. The tactics they use against mothers are (as far as I am concerned anyway) ethically and morally wrong. Coercion lies at the heart of adoption. The use of tactics like making your parents sign paperwork saying they will have to pay for everything if you don't surrender, telling a mother she will not be able to have her child with her until the bills are paid, drugging you to the point where you are incapable of making any kind of decision, let alone a decision like surrendering your child to adoption. Is just plain sickening to me. My eyes were closed to all of these things, yes once upon a time I was a "happy bmother" *gag* I bought into every lie I was told. Every single one of them.
Do you know why I did that? It was a simple matter of survival to believe the lies!!!!!!!! Yes survival, if I hadn't bought into the lies, I might well be dead now. I know in my heart that "forgetting" (read suppressing here) those memories is most likely the reason I didn't end up in a mental hospital, or take my own life. There were days in the first year that I seriously thought about killing myself. I had all those things in my head, things like. How could you do this? What kind of mother are you! YOU GAVE YOUR BABY AWAY TO STRANGERS WHO CAN NOT POSSIBLY LOVE THAT CHILD THE WAY YOU DO! I found that if I just suppressed the memory, I could survive. Taking the above thoughts and stuffing them in a closet somewhere deep in my mind is what gave me the ability to be strong, to go on and to live my life. I can't say that my life has been perfect since then. It hasn't been, but it has been not been horrible all the time either. I have three other children whom I adore, children that never stayed with strangers ever, until they were old enough to talk to me. Family is and was important to me. My family looked after my kids when I needed someone to look after them. No stranger ever watched my kids when they were babies and unable to communicate with me. Never would have happened in this lifetime or any other. The fear of losing them, while it was an unconscious fear, was great. ( yeah I figured all this out in the last year)
Now if you are here lurking, (and I know I have some lurkers, I love ISP Tracking) consider this, more specifically if you are in the adoption industry and lurking here, read all the blogs of moms and dads I have listed. Learn from us, what you already know, but refuse to acknowledge. That adoption is an ugly, ugly thing. That adoption at it's heart destroys women, children and families, for no better reason than that some poor infertile couple thinks they have a right to take our children from us. I have done some really heavy duty thinking about this lately. Those people who adopt our children, oftentimes have huge issues they need to deal with, but don't. It is not just infertility either. Entitlement attituides abound pap's. I have seen the "give me child lest I die syndrome" all too often since entering the blogosphere. What I read in pap's blogs makes me heartsick and angry. I want people to read and to learn that mothers such as myself were given no choice. That we were coerced into surrender as surely I am a living breathing human. We were lied to from day one. We are still being lied to, our children are lied to. And I want the lie that is "Open Adoption" to be exposed. Open adoption is a gimmick designed to further coerce mothers into surrender. Open adoptions usually slam shut as soon as the ink is dry on the decree and that really makes me angry. The adoption industry will stop at nothing to acquire babies. It is after all a multi billion dollar industry, and we all know how much they really care about "the best interests of the child" yeah they care to the tune of billions...
I promise that I will be posting more often now. I am finally done with my training at work and will actually have time to post. See you all later~
Laugh A Lot, It's Good For You~
Mary~
5 comments:
(((Mary)))
I know that if I told my mom, I'd still have my daughter. We go through so much struggle when we are pregnant. So many things go through our minds, and we make the best decisions we can, for whatever reasons we have.
In terms of the lies.... I know that if I didn't have the support from the people I have found now, that I would have gone insane. So, right on with survival.
And, right on, with the issues of infertility problems. I'm going to write a post about that soon. Yey! for more writing! You have an excellent writing style, and a kind but firm way of telling your story. Thank you.
Sheri, bless you my dear, I know it is hard to deal with alll of this. The depression can be so debilitating and the other things that go along with it can be even worse.
I too feel the way you do, why in the world didn't I tell? I guess because in the end I was so very, very sure of myself, even tho I knew and felt that doing this crazy thing was the wrong thing to do. I will regret it for the rest of my life most likely. But at least now I know why I was so "ill' for all these years. Conscious memories are there now, but buried deep as they were.
Heather, I know exactly what you mean, without the women and adoptees I have met in the last year, I probably would be in the nuthouse *wry grin* Because you know I would have been nuts.. I do know that now I can say what I really feel about all of this and not feel the least bit invalidated by others saying "Build a bridge and get over it" You know the kind of people I mean right? Well meaning and all that, but they have absolutely no frakking idea what it went through back then or what I am going through now..
Bless you too Heather.. (((((((((heather n sheri)))))))))
Cos we all need lots of hugs~
I am sorry for your pain and I definitely acknowledge the realness of that. I'm not here to argue or to make you angry. I just want you to know there are parents by adoption who cannot be painted by the broad brush stroke used here.
We adopted through foster care and had the option to completely close the adoption. We chose to open the adoption and continue to open it more and more. It has been two years now and we've managed to find and start a relationship with her birth dad's family, we talk on the phone/email/letters with her maternal grandparents and hope to see them when they come to the area next, we have calls/visits with the half sibling she was closest with and we are working on the relationship with her first mom. Despite some issues there, she has our home address and we welcome her letters and emails.
We have a great website (http://www.hillison.com) full of photos to all the time so her extended family can see her and see what she is up to. I post newsletters on what she is up to as well.
We believe in open adoption as much as is healthy for our daughter (she was abused severely). We want her to know all of her family and think she is blessed to have more people to love her.
I know there are parents in adoption who haven't behaved well but do know that some of us are trying. It isn't always easy for me either to share but I know it is what she needs so I do it with love in my heart.
There was no coercion in this adoption. Her first mom signed the TPR, the judge didn't take the children away - in fact she is parenting her youngest child.
Yes I went through infertility issues but I also stopped before we exhausted all our options. I just knew I was done. And yes, I found a wonderful psychiatrist and went to counseling for over a year with her (I still see her for meds every few months). I worked hard to heal from my pain and be ready to become a mother (I have never said I was perfect).
Then we got licensed as foster parents and took way more than needed courses on adoption, foster care, parenting, sexual abuse, etc because we wanted to be ready to help our child heal.
We were willing to adopt a school aged child. We didn't hold out for the proverbial healthy white baby. We were so lucky to be selected to parent the most amazing six year old little girl in the world. But it hasn't been easy - the hell she went through was pretty rough. Dealing with the after affects of a child who was sexually abused is very difficult at times. Of course, she is worth it and we've gotten lucky with great therapist, doctors and other support.
Just remember there are people like us out here who wanted to parent and believe in adoption. And for my part, I'll remember there are first parents out here who feel they were wronged and are aching to see their children.
Sincerely,
-Michelle
WRAL blog on adoption: Don't underestimate baked goods
Michelle, I am sorry I didn't see this sooner. God it has been almost a year! I understand that there are aparents who get it. But honestly they are few and far between. What happened to me is typical of adoption even today, when so called open adoption is really just another lie used to lure young women into giving up their child. NO not all open adoptions end up closed, but most of them do. Almost as soon as the ink is dry on the decree! Did you know there are only two states that open adoption is legally enforcable? It makes me ache when I read our stories. I ache for every person involved in adoption. I know that there are children who will need to be raised by others, always have been and always will be. What I am saying is the system needs to change. There isn't any regulation, there are almost no controls in place to ensure that a mother and her child have a fair chance. Waiting periods and revocation periods in theory are a good thing, but for the most part are not enforced and a mother has almost no chance of getting her child back once the papers are signed regradless of said waiting periods and time allowed for a change of heart. I wasn't even told I Could change my mind! I encourage you to read our web ring and learn all you can. No my broad brush strokes do not apply to everyone, but they apply to many more than most are willing to admit.
Mary
Mary,
Thanks for responding eventually!
I think more aparents are getting it than in the past. There has been a lot of fear for aparents that they don’t often talk about with people who get the issues. I don't think there have been enough people telling them that the best way to raise a happy and healthy child who will be bonded with their family for a lifetime is to share the child with their birth family too. The two bonds make it stronger.
I agree about the problematic issues relating to the present structure of waiting periods being wrong and open adoption issues being unregulated. I find the entire idea of the private newborn adoption industry to be so open to fraud. Would you support the child being in foster care until a say 60 day revocation period? That way the adoptive parents aren't even involved in the decision making process for the revocation issues.
It's funny, I have issues with both sides of the assisted parenting process for women - I think the entire infertility and adoption industries need to be changed. While not the same loss as adoption, infertility is a mostly unrestricted and unregulated industry that is mostly uninsured and people end up paying insane amounts of money for treatment. Then you get those same families who have been run through the ringer and they are damn near desperate by the time they get to adoption and again will do anything to get a child in some cases. Both industries victimize women.
But that's off on a tangent - sorry.
I've read many blogs from first, adoptive and adoptees. I understand as much as I can from my side about the issues. I don't ever want a woman to make a decision to place their child for adoption without knowing everything. I even volunteered at a pregnancy support agency that helped women with resources to parent their children from parenting and life classes (like budgeting, etc), clothing closets and tons of stuff to get them started with their life. I acknowledge that some agencies are completely fraudulent, that some people are out to deceive young women without a lot of resources.
But as you said, there will always be a need for adoption. We just need to find a way to allow women who want to place to do so with honesty. And the first thing we need to do is forge a partnership of women in adoption to protect and stand all women and families. It will have to be the women of all parts of the triad coming together who can change things. I've been offering my help here in this state about opening up a registry for birth parents and adoptees. The group working on it needs more aparents (well all parents and all adults) to get behind it. And we talk to newly approved foster-adoption prospective parents about how we've done what we've done because our agency things we've done a good job.
I think if my family can open up their adoption and face the issues we are facing in parenting this wonderful but very damaged child, that everyone can at least open their eyes and minds to the issues involved in adoption. Some adoptive parents need to be honest and not so paranoid.
-michelle
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