So Suz says triggers are everywhere.. Today I found out what she meant. *sigh* I had to go to court today and as I sat there waiting I overheard several attorneys talking about the hearing that was taking place in the courtroom. No big deal right? They talk about that stuff all the time. But, this time they were talking about an adoption hearing. My heart started to pound and I started to feel sick, shaking and sweating(a panic attack perhaps?) Then the courtroom door opened and I see this woman who was probably in her mid thirties, and her (I think) husband who looks like he is probably my age, walk out. The woman was holding this beautiful little girl. A sweet looking baby dressed in a pink sundress, with a small little smile on her lips. The woman was holding her around the waist, her hand tucked under her bottom, facing away from her. (Does that position seem weird to any of you? I mean if you are there to finalize an adoption wouldn't you be grabbing her to your heart and hugging her?) What got to me was the huge smile on her face the husbands face. It seemed to me that those smiles were predatory, shark like grins if you get my meaning. It was very hard for me to watch them walk out of that courtroom and control my tounge.
I wanted to scream at them both, "Don't you realize what you have just done? Do you know the years of heartache and pain you are in the process of creating? Do you even think of the woman who's child you hold and hope or pray she is going to be allright?" I had so much to say, and yet I did dare to speak a word. Not only would it have been wrong to say anything in this case, but I probably would have lost control and lashed out in a way that might have ended up with me being arrested for disorderly conduct and possibly landing myself in a jail cell. So yeah, I bit my tounge. Hard enough to almost make it bleed.
Now here I sit with this image in my head. K's parents walking out of the attorneys office holding her and smiling like that. My heart hurts, and I am still shaky and panicy, and sick to my stomach. If I could call in today, I probably would. I don't want to do anything but crawl into a corner and wail. But, I can't call in, and I can't crawl into a corner. I have to deal. Once again it feels like the guilt and pain is going to be never ending. I know it isn't, and I know it is better now than it was a year ago. But somedays, it feels like yesterday....
7 comments:
ugh. yikes. i get angsty and shake just reading it. i think, no, i know, i would have openly cried, had to leave and ended up throwing up.
big hugs.
Suz, I did cry, went in the bathroom and just let it come.. I wish I could have left but I had to wait, and only luck made me not throw up.. I sure felt like doing that. Joshs social worker came in a few minutes after that and we talked a bit. She asked me if there were any books on this half of the subject.. I laughed and told her sure, but not enough and no one wants to really delve into our reality too much. (or fathers) That might ruin the money train..
well, maybe, maybe, in some parallel universe, that childs mother was with you and she knows you hugged her baby that day for her - if even in your mind.
Suz, I am going to just pretend that, that is exactly what happened. I wanted to hold that baby girl and whisper in her ear that "I know your mommy loves you very much, I know you miss her and that you need her. And someday I promise you will see her again and she will tell you all the things I just. Remember baby, your mothers see you and she loves you very well."
(((Mary)))
That's horrible. It makes me think of how much adoptive parents take a child so that they will look better in society, a family. If I had a child in my arms, I'd be holding him or her against me, facing me, not away from me. Of course, I would not steal another woman's child either.
I wait for the days when we will heal and no longer have to hold our tongues. When we can control ourselves enough to both speak our minds and not get in trouble for it. But, I also think witnessing is important.
"Don't you realize what you have just done? Do you know the years of heartache and pain you are in the process of creating? Do you even think of the woman who's child you hold and hope or pray she is going to be allright?"
They don't. They, like I did for many years, believe that adoption is all about choice, about helping another woman, about love. The amount of time loss and pain get in adoption preparation is practically none at all.
I don't think any first mom should be holding her tongue. Speak out, encourage others! Sooner or later the truth will take root and things will change. With enough voices - hopefully sooner.
Thank you third mom, I wish that I was capable of speech without anger on this subject sometimes. That day I would have let those people have it. And, I do mean have it with both barrels! It is very hard for me to stay silent, but better silent than getting arrested for Disorderly conduct. Someday I hope to be able to speak without fear, and without anger. Speaking in anger sometimes does not produce the results we want does it? I have said it many, many times. If we all spoke with one voice they would have to listen to us.
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