Sine Qua Non~

                                                

                                                           "Without Which Not."


  I have often pondered that phrase. Does it create a resonance in you when you read those words? I know it creates one in me, it rings in my head, and in my heart. It's like the old poem, "For want of a nail all was lost."

For want of a nail, think about it.I mean really think about it. What if is usually a fool's game, (and it is in this case) but, I still like to play that game.

What if Jack had been responsible, what if he had gone with me to my parents and we had both told them? Would it have made a difference? What if all that crap that happened after we broke up, had not happened? Would that have changed things? If instead of taking advantage of my inebriated state, he had simply let me pass out and taken me home later? Would that have made a difference?

Those things run around and around in my head, the thoughts chasing each other until I fall into an exhausted sleep. Usually that sleep is filled with terrible dreams, or at least fearful dreams. I wake up, still exhausted, but also sad, and lonely, with tear stained cheeks (often, though not always) and legs that feel as if I have been running all night.

I wonder how many other mother's have these types of thoughts, these kinds of dreams? I am betting most of them that I know well, fall into this trap, or have fallen into it. I also wonder how they kept their sanity all these years. How do you keep your sanity? How do you stop feeling guilty, and useless, and as if you matter not at all to your child?  I don't know those answers-I don't think I will ever know those answers.

What I do know is this, reunion does not fix anything, if anything it makes things more complicated and messy. It is frustrating, maddening, heartbreaking, and yes, joyous as well. These days for me? It's more or less a non-reunion, and you know what? That's ok- it really is. I work, I go to school, and those things eat up a lot of time, I also have three raised children, and that is one of the great joys of my life. To see their faces and know, they will never have to deal with the pain and anguish my eldest had to deal with. I can live with that.