How do we go on?

Putting one foot in front of the other, living our lives, when something so precious and unique is taken from us? How do we get from point A, to B, then C, and finally D? (D is the life after surrender, while B and C are pregnancy and surrender) How do you survive it?

For myself it was as simple and as complicated as stuffing all those things into a lockbox in my brain. Shove it all in, lock it up tight and then move on. The problem with that is this, those things don't stay locked up, at least not in the way we would wish them to stay locked up. They tumble out at the worst times, and then? Well sometimes we do things we shouldn't-some of us drink (I did that for a bit when I was in the army) or we write, or we try to run away (That army thing again) we try so hard to get away from it, and none of what we do works. Or, at least it doesn't work for long.

When it does come tumbling out, where do you find yourself? Me? Usually on the floor curled up in a ball and sobbing.(At least back then) Then the storm passes, the sky clears and amazingly things are pretty damn normal. These days, after all that therapy (gods I hate therapy) I don't find myself curled up on the floor, I can look at the past, and what happened, and I know two things, 1) It wasn't my fault, and 2) I am not the only person who has to own it. For whatever strange reason my child's father gets a pass from her for his abandoning us. He doesn't get a pass from me- he will never get a pass from me. I wonder if he knows that? I am still pretty angry with him- oh, not the "I'll rip your face off" angry anymore. But the, "I'm still pissed because you can't own your part in this mess" angry.

Wow, that felt good to write, and to say-maybe I should make a habit of saying what's really on my mind? What do you think?