The Price of Doing The Right Thing..

So, I know I have been very lax for a very long time. Todays thought? The price of doing the "right thing."All the voices say, "If you love your baby you will..." I loved my baby. All the voices say "Your baby will have two parents, a good home, and all that you can not provide" My baby had those things. The voice in my head screamed "You are wrong" it still screams that, although with less intensity after starting therapy again. The voice in my head was right, it was the wrong thing for both of us.

So what was the price of doing the right thing for me? Twenty one years of heartache, loss and grief. That is just for starters. The loss of my motherhood, that was the first price I paid. The loss of my self respect, that was second. (I mean really what kind of mother was I right?) The loss of so many things I can not even begin to tell you what they all are and continue to be. This begs the question "Did I gain anything?" My answer is an resounding no, if you mean anything positive. A resounding yes if you mean anything negative.

What I do know now, is that at reunion I have gained back that which I thought lost forever. My child.. My wonderful, funny, squishy nosed daughter. Who's voice is a balm to my soul, and who chose to share with me her tears and her laughter. She didn't have to, but she did. I am eternally grateful to whatever gods there are that my child is who and what she is. She heals me without even knowing she is doing it. She makes me want to be a better person, a person she can be proud of. A person her siblings can be proud of. I don't always get things exactly right, but you know what? That makes me human, and I like being human. Because for a very long time I was this numbed creature who had no clue who or what she was. All I knew was pain. I still know the pain, but after having my other children I started to learn about the joy. With the return of my other child my joy knows no limits, has no boundaries and I want the entire world to know what I know. The price I paid was too hight, much too high. The price any mother in my position is much too high. Things need to change. I think I know what I am going to be when I grow up too now. Maybe I can help a mother like me before she becomes more like me.