So, I wonder how many mothers like myself feel that emotion? The big bad Green Eyed Monster called jealousy? I don't mean jealousy like being jealous of someones car either. I mean the kind of jealousy we have about the people we love. I am guilty of feeling this thing about a relationship my daughter has with another woman. I know, I know that I shouldn't be jealous of this. But, somedays it hits me right in the face that my K is so close to this person. That they bonded in a way that makes her an "other mother" for my daughter. (I already feel like the "other mother")I feel very ashamed of this, it makes me want to hide inside myself and casitgate myself for feeling that way. I don't like feeling like this. It makes me feel very small and somewhat of an ass. I get why they are close, I get that they bonded before K ever found me. I get the love they have for each other. What I don't get is why do I feel jealous of it? I mean really what is there to be jealous of? Them being closer together mile wise than we are? So what! Big deal right? I know I should talk to K about this and try to understand why I am feeling this way. Maybe it is jealousy about the things I am missing again? I mean I missed her whole life really. I missed her presentation, I missed meeting all those other moms, and I don't like it. How silly is that? I hate being so far away from her. Hate it with a passion, althougth I know it is better for me right now to be this far away. I have a feeling I would smother her in a way if I was too close right now. It is so hard to not try being the parent, I am and I am not if that makes sense to you. Mother by birth, and not mother by law. I can't parent her per se anyway. I wasn't the one who changed her diapers, or woke up in the middle of the night to feed her, or take care of her when she was sick. I am a johnny come lately in her life. I feel somedays as if I have no right what so ever to even give her advice about things. It is so weird to be in this place I am in. I respect my daughter, she is a woman grown, and yet there are days I would love to just tell her "Well this is what I think" and I do about somethings, but mostly I listen to her and let her make her own decisions and choices. What else can I do? My other kids, I just tell them most of the time. Well except for Sean, he is almost 18, so telling him to do anything is sort of laughable at this point in his life. He is growing up and away from me and it is so hard. But it is a good lesson for me. I am learning what every parent learns, I am learning to let go a little and let him fly. Which brings me back to K. She has already flown, and is hard for me to always remember that. I want things to be with her like they are with Sean. It isn't easy letting him go either, but I raised him that makes a world of difference. So much for being sensible huh? I know intelluctually, that K is an adult, but every fiber in me says she is still my baby, and I need to protect her the way I protect her siblings. It is that weird dichotomy again. I remember the baby I left behind, and it makes it hard for me to see the woman she has become. Mostly I think I do allright with that, but once in awhile someone says something that brings it back.
Yeah, triggers I tell you. They really are everywhere.. I am off now, to sleep, perchance to dream, of younger and brighter days, when all my troubles were small ones. And the future was an unknown..
