Mary, while I believe that all adoptees should have an OBC, I can't vote for this. I wish I could, but far to many of the comments there made me feel as if my feelings, my rights and any other mother with other raised children's rights were put on the line.
Anon, actually it is about comments. Because those comments are made by the people that will use those civil rights changes to affect the lives of others.
I think that every child should have only one OBC - period - but I also see a lot of angry adoptees out there that will not stop no matter what - even when they know that they are hurting another person.
I used to think the opposite, then, amazingly, I got slammed for asking a simple question with regard to the fairness of adoptees getting all the information that they need to find us and mothers getting nothing to find them.
Then the whole toad started to show.
I am sorry, but yes, it is about comments. Comments that made me think twice and three times about the idea that anyone can come and find some woman at any time, find her children (raised) and talk to her friends and neighbors all without even bothering to be respectful enough to talk to her first.
I was a "chaser" when I first began reunion and now I know what my daughter must have been feeling. Totally without controls or boundaries and without any way to stop it. I have to live with that.
But I sure don't have to sign a petition that would allow some of the adoptees that I have recently "met" trash someone else.
Hi Mary, It is so late and I need to go to bed but I have been thinking about you and wondering something honest.
If you found your daughter and she was so happy with her life and loved her AParents, and was so grateful to you for giving her this family blah blah blah (insert all the things I always thought I was doing for my children when I adopted them)...if she really felt that way...would you still feel that her adoption was so horrible? If she was really so happy and thankful?
You know me, I am being totally sincere and trying to figure it all out. I mean, if in the end the child/adult was happy, would that have made your loss feel any less painful?
Shannan, you said "If you found your daughter and she was so happy with her life and loved her AParents, and was so grateful to you for giving her this family blah blah blah (insert all the things I always thought I was doing for my children when I adopted them)...if she really felt that way...would you still feel that her adoption was so horrible? If she was really so happy and thankful?
You know me, I am being totally sincere and trying to figure it all out. I mean, if in the end the child/adult was happy, would that have made your loss feel any less painful?
Is this an immature question?"
Not an immature question, a fair one. I think the grateful, happy adoptee would answer much differently than I will. (HAHA!) I think the happy grateful adoptee is a myth, what I truly think is many adoptees have been taught to be grateful, as for happy- well many are happy, it does not mean they are grateful they were (an this is how adoptees think, not moms) that they were abandoned. Many of the adoptees I know are very angry over that. Do you blame them? I would still think adoption is awful-mostly because it puts our children in the postion of being almost a game piece between adoptives parents and natuarl parents. (This happened to my daughter, but she chose not to be a game piece and I would not make her one) The happy, grateful ones often times don't search, out of loyalty, or a misguided sense of not wanting to hurt their parents. I know at least one adoptee who will not search because her parents and her brother had a "bad reunion" with his natural family. However, it was more on the adoptive parents than on the natural parents. They did not understand the cultural differences and that made it hard for everyone- *sighs* I am straying from the point aren't I?
To answer the question, no it would not have made my loss any less painful, and in fact may have made it harder. You already think you don't deserve to be a mother, and then your child, is so very happy and so, you feel even worse because you could ruin all that, and in the end you may feel as if "everyone else" was right and you were not good enough-when in fact you were good enough and would have done well by your child even if you didn't have a ton of money and a wonderful house with a pool and all that stuff. I have to think on this some more-thanks for the writing prompt! I have been so busy at school that I am neglecting my writing! Look for it later tonight!
" You already think you don't deserve to be a mother, and then your child, is so very happy and so, you feel even worse because you could ruin all that, and in the end you may feel as if "everyone else" was right and you were not good enough-when in fact you were good enough and would have done well by your child even if you didn't have a ton of money and a wonderful house with a pool and all that stuff. "
wow...I never thought of it that way but you're right, in many ways that would make it worse. I think you're right that "grateful" is not the right word to use with adoption. SHould my daughter be "grateful" she was taken from her family, culture, and country? Growing up in an orphanage certainly wouldn't have been awesome, but "grateful"?? Maybe it's more like they come to an understanding of why and how everything happened. Like Sister Heping. Understanding, but still not always liking the situation. Thanks Mary.
Not sure why I still bother but I am real, I exist and I am both happy and grateful I was adopted. And it's not my parents I'm grateful to, it's my biological mom for not keeping me when she couldn't/shouldn't. Shannan, if your daughter is some day grateful that she didn't grow up in an orphanage, do me a favor and allow it? My guess is she likely will be.
And for the record we didn't have "a ton of money and a wonderful house with a pool and all that stuff."
Mary, it's funny, you saying an attitude like mine wouldn't make you feel better, perhaps even make it harder. I need to think about that, what that really feels like to hear. Puts a different light on the natural mother. I mean, if this was the case, ultimately it would be more beneficial to the natural parent for their adopted child to feel abandoned than happy and grateful. This can't be what you meant? You did say you have to think on it some more.
"Mary, it's funny, you saying an attitude like mine wouldn't make you feel better, perhaps even make it harder. I need to think about that, what that really feels like to hear. Puts a different light on the natural mother. I mean, if this was the case, ultimately it would be more beneficial to the natural parent for their adopted child to feel abandoned than happy and grateful. This can't be what you meant? You did say you have to think on it some more."
The fact is every adoptee has to deal with loss and feeling abandoned. Whether you can acknowledge that or not makes no difference. And, no I don't think that is good for anyone to feel. You will note I didn't say my daughter wasn't happy. But no she is not grateful and why should she be? Her parents provided what parents are supposed to provide, the same things I provide my raised children. I still need to think more about this~
"But no she is not grateful and why should she be? Her parents provided what parents are supposed to provide, the same things I provide my raised children."
Sorry, I guess I wasn't very clear. I was trying to say I'm grateful to my birth/first/natural/biological mother for knowing she couldn't or shouldn't keep me. My sister is of the same mindset.
Ok be grateful all you want- I will never be grateful or thank another woman for raising a child I could have raised on my own just fine. Nor should my daughter feel grateful for the loss she suffered. Why? Because her parents "rescued" her from something awful? Not every adoptee has been saved from something horrible you know- IF you were and your mother truly made an informed choice then good for you and your sister. *I was coerced and bullied into surrender-and no one but maybe her parents should be grateful for that~
11 comments:
Mary, while I believe that all adoptees should have an OBC, I can't vote for this. I wish I could, but far to many of the comments there made me feel as if my feelings, my rights and any other mother with other raised children's rights were put on the line.
I am sorry.
This isn't about comments, Lori. It's about equal rights.
Anon, actually it is about comments. Because those comments are made by the people that will use those civil rights changes to affect the lives of others.
I think that every child should have only one OBC - period - but I also see a lot of angry adoptees out there that will not stop no matter what - even when they know that they are hurting another person.
I used to think the opposite, then, amazingly, I got slammed for asking a simple question with regard to the fairness of adoptees getting all the information that they need to find us and mothers getting nothing to find them.
Then the whole toad started to show.
I am sorry, but yes, it is about comments. Comments that made me think twice and three times about the idea that anyone can come and find some woman at any time, find her children (raised) and talk to her friends and neighbors all without even bothering to be respectful enough to talk to her first.
I was a "chaser" when I first began reunion and now I know what my daughter must have been feeling. Totally without controls or boundaries and without any way to stop it. I have to live with that.
But I sure don't have to sign a petition that would allow some of the adoptees that I have recently "met" trash someone else.
Please note all that in Oz we have had open records for nigh on 4o years with no problems, for anyone.Please have faith, it's so important.
Hi Mary,
It is so late and I need to go to bed but I have been thinking about you and wondering something honest.
If you found your daughter and she was so happy with her life and loved her AParents, and was so grateful to you for giving her this family blah blah blah (insert all the things I always thought I was doing for my children when I adopted them)...if she really felt that way...would you still feel that her adoption was so horrible? If she was really so happy and thankful?
You know me, I am being totally sincere and trying to figure it all out. I mean, if in the end the child/adult was happy, would that have made your loss feel any less painful?
Is this an immature question?
Shannan, you said "If you found your daughter and she was so happy with her life and loved her AParents, and was so grateful to you for giving her this family blah blah blah (insert all the things I always thought I was doing for my children when I adopted them)...if she really felt that way...would you still feel that her adoption was so horrible? If she was really so happy and thankful?
You know me, I am being totally sincere and trying to figure it all out. I mean, if in the end the child/adult was happy, would that have made your loss feel any less painful?
Is this an immature question?"
Not an immature question, a fair one. I think the grateful, happy adoptee would answer much differently than I will. (HAHA!) I think the happy grateful adoptee is a myth, what I truly think is many adoptees have been taught to be grateful, as for happy- well many are happy, it does not mean they are grateful they were (an this is how adoptees think, not moms) that they were abandoned. Many of the adoptees I know are very angry over that. Do you blame them? I would still think adoption is awful-mostly because it puts our children in the postion of being almost a game piece between adoptives parents and natuarl parents. (This happened to my daughter, but she chose not to be a game piece and I would not make her one) The happy, grateful ones often times don't search, out of loyalty, or a misguided sense of not wanting to hurt their parents. I know at least one adoptee who will not search because her parents and her brother had a "bad reunion" with his natural family. However, it was more on the adoptive parents than on the natural parents. They did not understand the cultural differences and that made it hard for everyone- *sighs* I am straying from the point aren't I?
To answer the question, no it would not have made my loss any less painful, and in fact may have made it harder. You already think you don't deserve to be a mother, and then your child, is so very happy and so, you feel even worse because you could ruin all that, and in the end you may feel as if "everyone else" was right and you were not good enough-when in fact you were good enough and would have done well by your child even if you didn't have a ton of money and a wonderful house with a pool and all that stuff. I have to think on this some more-thanks for the writing prompt! I have been so busy at school that I am neglecting my writing! Look for it later tonight!
" You already think you don't deserve to be a mother, and then your child, is so very happy and so, you feel even worse because you could ruin all that, and in the end you may feel as if "everyone else" was right and you were not good enough-when in fact you were good enough and would have done well by your child even if you didn't have a ton of money and a wonderful house with a pool and all that stuff. "
wow...I never thought of it that way but you're right, in many ways that would make it worse.
I think you're right that "grateful" is not the right word to use with adoption. SHould my daughter be "grateful" she was taken from her family, culture, and country? Growing up in an orphanage certainly wouldn't have been awesome, but "grateful"?? Maybe it's more like they come to an understanding of why and how everything happened. Like Sister Heping. Understanding, but still not always liking the situation.
Thanks Mary.
Lurking myth here.
Not sure why I still bother but I am real, I exist and I am both happy and grateful I was adopted. And it's not my parents I'm grateful to, it's my biological mom for not keeping me when she couldn't/shouldn't. Shannan, if your daughter is some day grateful that she didn't grow up in an orphanage, do me a favor and allow it? My guess is she likely will be.
And for the record we didn't have "a ton of money and a wonderful house with a pool and all that stuff."
Mary, it's funny, you saying an attitude like mine wouldn't make you feel better, perhaps even make it harder. I need to think about that, what that really feels like to hear. Puts a different light on the natural mother. I mean, if this was the case, ultimately it would be more beneficial to the natural parent for their adopted child to feel abandoned than happy and grateful. This can't be what you meant? You did say you have to think on it some more.
Luker Myth- you said-
"Mary, it's funny, you saying an attitude like mine wouldn't make you feel better, perhaps even make it harder. I need to think about that, what that really feels like to hear. Puts a different light on the natural mother. I mean, if this was the case, ultimately it would be more beneficial to the natural parent for their adopted child to feel abandoned than happy and grateful. This can't be what you meant? You did say you have to think on it some more."
The fact is every adoptee has to deal with loss and feeling abandoned. Whether you can acknowledge that or not makes no difference. And, no I don't think that is good for anyone to feel. You will note I didn't say my daughter wasn't happy. But no she is not grateful and why should she be? Her parents provided what parents are supposed to provide, the same things I provide my raised children. I still need to think more about this~
"But no she is not grateful and why should she be? Her parents provided what parents are supposed to provide, the same things I provide my raised children."
Sorry, I guess I wasn't very clear. I was trying to say I'm grateful to my birth/first/natural/biological mother for knowing she couldn't or shouldn't keep me. My sister is of the same mindset.
Ok be grateful all you want- I will never be grateful or thank another woman for raising a child I could have raised on my own just fine. Nor should my daughter feel grateful for the loss she suffered. Why? Because her parents "rescued" her from something awful? Not every adoptee has been saved from something horrible you know- IF you were and your mother truly made an informed choice then good for you and your sister. *I was coerced and bullied into surrender-and no one but maybe her parents should be grateful for that~
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